Open your eyes.
David, open your...
Well, I suppose the empty street meant loneliness.
You're a shrink. You gotta do better than that.
I'm a doctor. Let's not stereotype each other.
Not all rich kids are soulless and...
not all psychologists care about dreams.
The question is how you got here and why you've been charged.
What do you want to know? I was about to turn 33.
I ran three magazines and a worldwide publishing house.
Most days I fooled myself into believing it would last forever.
Isn't that what being young is about?
Believing secretly that you would be...
the one person in the history of man...
who would live forever.
Where you going so early?
Don't record any more messages on my alarm clock, okay?
- Why not? - I'll start to think we're married.
Don't ever say that word. I will never come over...
and bring you chicken soup and fuck your brains out again.
How's your cold?
Still there. How 'bout yours?
You definitely took my mind off it.
Really?
Yes!
"Juliana" here.
Hi, Rayna. I missed my audition. I lost my head!
No, listen, I have to go.
I'm with David.
Help yourself to whatever. Maria will clean up. Set the alarm before you go.
And...
you are the greatest.
Bye, honey.
I'll call you later.
When?
- When? - Soon!
Did you reserve the court?
Easy. I can't handle heavy conversation at this ungodly hour.
Sorry to do this early, but I gotta be done by 10:00.
You're not gonna make the 8.?45, are you?
- How did you find me? - David Aames...
you have to check the colors for the new issue of Rise.
- What are the colors? - Yellow and red or traditional white.
- Gotta think about it. - David, please.
Don't be late for the 10.?00 with the board.
Don't tell anybody where I am. I don't care if God calls.
- I'm very, very busy. - Yeah.
- Can't you get rid of that board? - The Seven Dwarfs? No.
Those people drive you nuts.
And that was the desire of my father who hired them.
You fucked Julie Gianni again, didn't you?
I know someone was there when I called.
You had that tone.
"No, I got a cold. I'm hanging in tonight, you know."
I had a cold.
- I was alone. - Fine.
- You do what you want with your life. - Thanks.
But one day you'll know what love truly is.
It's the sour and the sweet.
I know sour, which allows me to appreciate the sweet.
Julie Gianni is a friend.
Sometimes we sleep together.
What? What?
- What? - My dream girl...
Julie Gianni...
is your fuck buddy.
- What do you wanna listen to? - Slow down, man.
What do we got here? Barcelona, Looper.
Radiohead?
Look out! Look out!
Fuck!
We almost died.
- I know. - Use your fuckin' head!
My own death was in front of me, and you know what happened?
Your life flashed before my eyes.
- How was it? - Almost worth dying for.
We're at the front door. We're coming up now.
- Good morning, sir. Sleep well? - Yes, I did.
- Eaten yet? - What's that?
Good morning.
David, you were playing racquetball. I've been covering you for an hour.
I'm saving your ass and you're playing racquetball.
Thank you, Fritz.
We are now exiting the elevator. The board is not happy.
- Good morning, Beatrice. - Hello, David.
You're in the Post today. Courtney Love called to see if you got her E-mail.
And Graydon Carter and Shelley Wanger called to see if dinner's still on.
- Cool. - Art department needs the colors...
- yellow and red or white? - Good morning, David.
And did I mention the board is pissed you're late?
Hey, David! Hold up!
Which one?
Wait. This one? David!
Okay, they're all waiting for you.
- You changed your hair. - Yes. And David...
opinions are expected.
Do you dream about the board... the Seven Dwarfs as you call them?
Sneezy, Bashful...
Sleepy...
Happy...
Doc...
Dopey...
and of course, Grumpy.
How was Aspen?
Good.
Now, I want answers and I want them now.
How's it going?
They still look at me as if I was 11 years old.
He's going to inherit everything.
He gets it all.
You're scared of your dreams, aren't you?
It's a nightmare either way.
Is that how you explain what's happened to you?
- What? - What happened to your face?
- I'm not talking to you anymore. - You don't wanna show me your face?
No!
- Do you know why you're here? - Conversation, the coffee...
David, the part where we parry and joust...
and get to know each other bit by bit...
No. No can do.
We'll have to skip that because you've been charged with murder.
In four weeks, a judge will determine your fate...
based on what I write.
- So you will talk to me. - There is no murder.
There is no murder!
It never happened!
- I don't have to talk to anybody! - Want me to help?
- Get the fuck away from me. - You take it easy, sunshine.
Take it easy, Face. Your whole story's full of holes!
Stop. Stop!
Please leave right now. I'll take responsibility.
Please leave right now. He's got control.
I'm gonna get you, daddy's boy little freak.
- My parents are dead, you fuck! - Enough!
Is that true?
- Good cop, bad cop... - That you're a daddy's boy?
Primer on David Aames Senior.
My father wasn't built for the 21 st century.
He never went to McDonald's, not once.
He never watched television, and yet...
his biggest magazine is still the TVDigest.
He and my mother threw the grandest parties of the literary world.
Ballooned. Jumped out of airplanes.
He sought adventure.
His autobiography is the manual...
for every cutthroat publisher in New York City.
It's called Defending the Kingdom.
I've read it.
Page 127...
"David Jr. Was a delight as a child."
Did I miss something here? Was that all he wrote about you?
I don't think he ever got over the fact...
that I'm absolutely...
terrified of heights.
The irony continues.
When he and my mother were run over by a drunken teenager...
on New Year's Eve ten years ago...
he left the keys...
to the kingdom...
to me.
Fifty-one percent control.
Forty-nine percent going to a group of seven board members...
who all thought they were first in line.
And you believe the board... the Seven Dwarfs...
put you here to take control of your company?
What do you care?
We're just talking.
And tonight's Wednesday night...
and I go to Black Angus for dinner with my two daughters on Wednesdays.
So I'll have to leave soon.
You do understand that our time is limited, don't you?
If I talk...
you'll just think I'm crazy.
With all the possible respect I can offer a man...
wearing a latex mask and spouting conspiracy theories, David...
believe me, you've crossed that bridge.
Enjoy your dinner.
There are five basic emotions in life, David.
Tell me, what emotion gripped him...
before he entered that cell?
Was it guilt...
hate...
shame...
revenge...
Iove?
I'm completely on the wrong track, aren't I?
Who needs ice?
David, happy birthday.
You have got the greatest taste in shoes, bar none anywhere.
- Emma, have you met Lynette? - I fear what we may have in common.
David, did you invite the entire Olympic snowboarding team?
Tonight is my birthday.
- Say happy birthday to David. - Happy birthday.
Welcome to Graceland.
Happy birthday, you son of a bitch.
Happy birthday.
Hey, friends of me, hello.
- Let the fun ensue. - Living Stereo will be on-line soon.
It is the great John Coltrane. They would love an article on it.
If you like it, it's an amazing prototype.
- Excuse me. - No, no. Thank you. That's okay.
- Literary god, Brian Shelby. - Happy birthday.
And all the usual shit people say to each other...
- How you doing? - Living the dream, baby.
- To what do I owe this pleasure? - The pleasure of Sofia Serrano.
We met today at the library, if you can believe that.
Sorry about my coat. It's too big for your closet.
- We were pretending to be intellectuals. - It's amazing. I love your coat.
I overdressed. I mean, I underdressed.
I'll continue like you're both actually listening to me.
Do you have another room to put it in?
I have ceased to exist.
Madison Square Garden is nearby. It might fit there.
Happy birthday.
- We picked it out together. - Thank you.
We picked it out together.
- We. - You're welcome.
Stop flirting and open it.
- Let's get a drink. - Yes.
I'll leave this upstairs.
- I'll be right back. - Okay.
- Listen. - Hey, Tommy.
No, no, don't blow me off.
I'm all packed. I'm going back to London and I understand.
You put me up for the other attorney's job so you didn't have to fire me.
That's a classy move and your father would have done the same.
It's okay, Tommy.
I became incompetent.
Is there anything more unbecoming than an aging mascot?
I cared for your father.
I lived and breathed for him.
These guys, the Seven Dwarfs...
they think you're stupid...
a corporate hazard, a rogue.
They are gonna find a way to get you out, David.
They're lined up for your office, your life...
your position.
They're working day and night...
to cheat you out of your 51% vote.
And they're gonna sell this tradition of words...
so they can eat in a better cafeteria.
But what they don't know is this.
People will read again!
I got it.
They even got a nickname for you behind your back.
Citizen Dildo.
You got great instincts...
but I say this with complete love.
Claim your life...
learn to be an asshole...
Two's enough.
Forgive me.
I still believe in this family, David...
even if it's only you.
Get Tipp out of here.
Drive him home, and in the morning...
tell him he's rehired with a 50% raise.
Give him that big office across the hall from the Seven Dwarfs.
And set up a meeting with the other attorneys.
I'm gonna be in early tomorrow.
Well, earlier than usual.
Hello, handsome.
I've come to wish you a happy birthday.
Oh, man.
I didn't invite you, Julie.
- That was a little weird. - That's how it works with parties...
you have to be invited.
I'm mad at you, you dick.
We made love four times the other night.
- Is that good? - Two's good.
Three is very good.
- But four... - Four's pretty good?
Four is...
Four is what?
Hold me, and then I'll leave.
And you can go back and talk to that cute brunette.
Four is what?
I don't wanna meet your fancy friends. I knew them when I was fancy too.
Four is what?
She looks like a moth.
A moth?
Sometimes I worry about you, that some clever girl...
in a big silly coat is gonna come along and play you just right.
Then I'll lose my friend.
And there won't be any chicken soup parties for me and you.
Bad.
When will you call me? Don't say "soon."
I hate it when you say "soon."
Danny Bramson gave him that for his birthday last year.
So this is what's become of rock and roll...
a smashed guitar behind a glass case displayed on some rich guy's wall.
It was a gift, actually.
- I like it. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So how did you get all this stuff...
this apartment, this life?
I see.
How 'bout if you help me, unless I'm horning in here.
- You are, but the food's good. - I have a problem. I got a stalker.
It doesn't sound life threatening.
I need for you to pretend we are having a scintillating conversation...
and you are wildly entertained.
- I know it's tough. - I'll improvise.
She's across the room and burning a hole in my back now, isn't she?
Red dress, strappy shoes?
Wow. She's really staring at you.
- Shit. - And she seems to be crying.
Less happy.
I think she's the saddest girl to ever hold a martini.
- Jennifer Kelly. - Hi, Jennifer.
- You have another apartment. - Sort of a day office. Come on.
- I am not going in there. - I am. Good night.
- I hear her coming. - Really?
- Hi. - How are you?
We're safe, but I've got nothing to drink.
Who did these paintings?
This is Joni Mitchell.
This one is Monet.
And this one...
was done by me.
It is a snowboard.
Well, two of them are geniuses.
That is the real thing.
His paintbrush painted the vanilla sky.
And his canvas.
My mother's.
- I'm surprised you're surprised. - I can't keep this banter going.
- Me neither. - I caught you.
Brian, come in here.
- What's going on? - Your friends are fun and I'm drunk.
- Julie Gianni is stalking me. - She looked dangerous.
Nobody stalks me, so I drink.
- We're all out up here. - Finish my Jack and Coke.
- Stupid glass. - I got it.
- It's the stupid guy holding it. - Don't worry. No big deal.
I'll go get us something. Jacks and Cokes?
I better hit it. I drank too much and I didn't eat.
- The party's just starting. - For you it is.
You cannot go. You are my guest of honor.
Fuck you, David.
You're paying me to write my novel, so you own me.
I don't own you. You are brilliant, good-looking, handsome.
But why'd you have to hit on Sofia?
- I wasn't hitting on Sofia. - Fine. Whatever you say.
- I'm crazy. I'm blind. - You're not blind.
You're drinking Jack and when you do you start in with that...
Frank Sinatra, she shot me down...
give me a cigarette king of sad thing.
- That I do. Give me a cigarette. - I'll find one.
Wait. You're rich and women love you and I'm from Ohio and drunk.
- Can I tell you the truth? - Everybody does.
I dig her.
And I've never said this to you before about any girl...
but she could be... could be... could be...
could be the girl of my fucking dreams.
- You're not from Ohio. - I know.
But if she fucks up our friendship, she can go to hell.
I won't allow it. We are bros.
- I feel the same way. - Sure you do.
- Hi. - How you doing?
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Where are you going?
I am Frank, and Frank must go.
- What? - I good you bid evening.
Wait. I'll go with you.
- Stay, baby. - I'll give you a ride home later.
- No, I have to work tomorrow. - You...
You are in great hands.
I'm just humoring myself that my opinion matters.
You will never know the exquisite pain...
of the guy who goes home alone...
because without the bitter, baby, the sweet ain't as sweet.
Have a good time.
The sweet and sour speech again.
- Why are you scared of heights? - Many people are scared of heights.
It's not the height that bothers me.
It's the impact that terrifies me.
I won't stay long.
Hey, Paolo.
Hello.
I have to take you for a walk.
I'm glad he protects you. He's a lethal canine.
I love living here, and I refuse to clean up.
No problem.
I have to work around the clock to keep this place.
- You really are a dancer. - For 14 years.
But I don't dance like you dance.
Do you want something to drink?
Sure.
Hey, beautiful, beautiful boy.
What do you want for dinner tonight?
Do you want fried chicken?
I like your life.
Well, it's mine and you can't have it.
I don't wanna know the story behind this photo.
- Who's Sergio? - It's a nickname.
- Your nickname is Sergio? - It's a long story.
And we don't know each other.
- So many secrets. - That's because I'm an arms dealer.
- I've never known an arms dealer. - You do now.
What about you? What's your nickname?
Citizen Dildo.
You are not staying over.
Never run a company. Stay an artist. Stay an arms dealer.
Oh, please. Somehow I can't play the violin for you.
Although, it must be difficult controlling all those people's lives.
Everyone at that party is connected to you for survival in some way.
It seems.
Ever been married?
Did you ever accept any of your 12,000 proposals?
Twelve thousand and eight. No.
And you moved to New York to dance, paint, act and deal arms?
Right.
Do you wanna hear Jeff Buckley or Vicki Carr?
Jeff Buckley or Vicki Carr?
Both simultaneously.
Everyone said, "Don't go to New York."
I just think good things will happen...
if you're a good person with a good attitude.
Don't you think?
You think I'm naive?
No. I really don't.
I dug her completely.
Somehow I'd found the last semi-guyless girl in New York City.
I have to get to sleep.
Truthfully, I also work mornings as a dental assistant.
Boy, am I going to the wrong dentist.
And you didn't immediately wanna sleep with her?
Well, you know, I'm a pleasure delayer.
- How does that work? - Pleasure delayer?
You don't know?
You keep a relationship casual...
until the absolute breaking point.
And then one evening or afternoon or morning...
it could be months from now.
You know how it works.
No, actually I don't.
I've been married for 22 years.
You've got dinner with your daughters.
That's right, I do.
Back then I had intricate systems with women...
you wouldn't believe.
Like what?
Hey, Doc, don't get melancholy over the 30 seconds you were single...
a long time ago.
- That's what you think I'm doing? - Oh, yes.
You might be right.
Let's continue. Time is not our friend.
Just our shortcomings, that's all we're allowed to draw.
I've never drawn such a true likeness before.
Mine's finished.
Already?
Done.
- That's how you see me? - Maybe I didn't add enough money.
No, something you'd see on a wall in a steak house in hell.
It's wonderful. Sign it.
Let's see yours.
Give me that.
I feel bad.
You said to draw a caricature.
I know. I couldn't.
I saw you like that.
It's very good.
I'll sell it to you.
You monster.
How much for it?
One kiss.
That smile is gonna be the end of me.
And what happens when your friend calls you tomorrow?
He just met you a few hours before me. He'd do the same.
I see that friendship is important to you.
It is. It is.
And as his best friend...
I know he's trying to finish a novel about inadequacy and rejection.
So the longer that I stay, the better it is for his career.
Your career is the one I'd worry about.
Sorry.
No. No, you're more right than you even know.
I used to be one of those guys that just...
snowboarded through his life...
with no focus...
whatsoever.
When did you change?
About five minutes ago.
Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.
And to those who think that you're a charlatan?
I understand.
The perception of a head frozen somewhere...
waiting for reanimation sounds like science fiction.
- What are you watching? - It's the greatest show.
It's called Sofia.
It is at the frontier of a new science.
Life Extension.
How do you accomplish such a thing?
I've seen this 30 times.
Life is full of surprises.
But the greatest surprise of all is that this doesn't have to end ever.
We did a story on this guy. He owns half of Arizona.
- Is he a fraud? - How would you ever know?
Good point.
Can you unfreeze a human life?
Take the case of Benny the dog. Benny's a dog.
He was frozen for three months and thawed out to live a normal life.
That's comforting?
It's safe for Benny. I'm in.
We'd better watch out.
Raymond Tooley, creator of Life Extension.
The book is Life: The Sequel.
- Where are you going? - I left my number on your fridge.
Come here. I want to tell you a secret.
I meant that to be your forehead.
Thank you for the inspiration.
I will now attempt to run my company showing compassion...
for the seething throng of my partners...
who root quietly for me to fail.
And for things you don't even know.
Thank you.
I'm gonna go to work. I have a company to run.
Pleasure delayer.
Hey, handsome.
You're following me.
Just a little bit.
I wanted to finish what we were talking about.
And?
How did it go with our moth girl? She turn into a butterfly for you?
Yes, she did.
She did.
I can tell by the way you were walking you didn't sleep with her.
Let me guess. You haven't slept with her because...
it's more fun when you can draw it out.
Sex just isn't as good if a woman hasn't told her friends...
she'd never sleep with you.
Right on the money, Julie.
She must be exhausted from trying to be witty for you all night.
Hey, Julie.
Sorry.
It's okay.
You never seem to be there for your friends until they've given up on you.
I'm not blowing you off. I just...
I wanna be alone for a little bit. Trust me.
I have a lot of things I have to take care of.
And if we're friends, which we are...
okay, then you'll understand that.
I'm sorry. I got weird.
I missed an audition and...
it just made me feel bad you didn't invite me to your party.
You wanna make it up to me?
I won't tell a soul.
Would you do a story on me if I made a CD?
Sure I would.
Do you like my music?
It's vivid.
Well, if I weren't me, I would buy a CD by me.
Well, you know, if you can reach one person...
Wow.
What's happiness to you, David?
What's happiness to me?
- What is happiness... - 'Cause for me...
this is happiness...
just being with you.
There's one thing that bothers me.
Why did you tell Brian that I was your fuck buddy?
I didn't tell him that. I didn't say that.
- When did you stop caring, David? - Caring about what?
About the consequences of the promises that you've made.
- Promises? - Yeah, the promises.
I thought...
Get the fuck... What are you talking about?
Do you understand how hard it is to pretend to be your buddy?
David, I love you.
I fucking love you!
Fuck!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Don't do this. Don't do this.
You fucked me four times the other night.
You've been inside me.
I swallowed your cum. That means something.
Slow down.
Four times... it means something.
- Four times. - Stop the car.
Twenty-four hours a day, I live with this aching possibility...
that you might call me to do something.
Let's go to your house. I wanna see where you live.
Just slow down. I want you to stop the car!
Don't you know when you sleep with someone...
your body makes a promise whether you do or not?
Tell me something, David. Do you believe in God?
What are you doing?
Okay, I love you. I love you.
Don't do it!
You're amazing.
Did you get to work all right?
No, actually, I had a horrible dream.
You dreamed you'd never see me again.
I left your apartment, I went downstairs to the car...
and my friend, the stalker, had followed me there.
Yes. And she wanted to talk to me.
And I remember I had this buzz, you know...
that buzz from you and me.
I think my mind was still on that terrible drawing of me.
But she was upset...
about... I don't know.
I got in the car and...
she drove off a bridge...
and committed suicide with me in the car.
I thought you were going straight to work.
But I survived...
with my arm and my face...
reconstructed.
And what's worse...
is that I can't wake up.
And how was your house after the party?
Party?
What party?
The party.
Remember?
Red dress, strappy shoes.
I spilled something on your shirt.
Sweet and sour.
And the saddest girl to ever hold a martini.
My dreams are a cruel joke.
They taunt me.
Even in my dreams, I'm an idiot...
who knows he's about to wake up to reality.
If I could only avoid sleep.
But I can't.
I try to tell myself what to dream.
I try to dream that I'm flying.
Something free.
It never works.
Is that the only thing you dream?
I don't... I don't remember.
Do you dream about the car accident?
Here's what you remember from a coma.
Nothing.
What happened next?
What really happened?
What, didn't you read the file?
I was out for three-and-a-half weeks.
My face and my arm shattered and my jaw was broken in four places.
No surgery could be performed because of the coma.
You can't feel the darkness...
or numbness.
You can't even feel.
And then...
I came back to life.
Just like that dog.
Benny. You know, Benny the dog.
Benny. Benny the dog.
Only my life was no longer normal.
There are blinding migraines now... nerve damage.
Why?
This is how big business operates...
random accidents...
a lifestyle mishap.
They are not coincidences.
How do you think ain'tight contracts are broken?
These are power upheavals.
I'm from Ohio.
We don't have power upheavals.
They are in the news every day right between the lines.
Someone did this to me.
My father wrote about this in his book.
Chapter one, page one...
paragraph one...
"What is the answer to 99 out of 100 questions?
Money."
David, look, I don't wanna worry you.
I'm holding them off, but we got a situation here.
The bylaws of the board protect your 51% vote...
only if you're mentally acute.
I'm sorry that poor girl died...
but you've handed the board a real gift with your mishap.
They'd like to declare you incapacitated.
But you're back.
You sound good to me, so let's fight the fuckers...
and have a full recovery.
And maybe you should let people see you, yeah?
The last time we were together you were in a coma...
and you were very fucking rude to me.
You didn't say a word.
Yes, well, the rumors of my death have been mildly exaggerated.
Who could I trust?
The ants were taking over the anthill.
Who could I trust?
The cranial structure was based on 30 pins...
and fastened by micro-panels and bits of bone from the mandible.
It appears the cartilage graphs have maintained your cheek structure.
Unfortunately, because you were in a coma...
Doctors. Their power is in jargon, so you study up.
Is that the procedure for all bilateral periorbital hematomas...
in a LeFort Three fracture of a comatose patient?
- In a LeFort Three? - You do your best.
Absolutely.
The potential for intracranial brain damage was too great.
Beyond the cheek grafts, Dr. Pomeranz...
are the pins fastened with any kind of aluminum which could ionize...
and cause that pressure in my head?
- I'm ready for another operation. - We are working on processes.
But you're specifically not at the stage where we can experiment.
Experiment. Use me.
The headaches will go away.
These are more than headaches.
These are like steel plates slicing through my every thought.
We're not cowboys. We can't just wing it.
Because I can't think straight most of the time.
- We can increase your medication. - Oh, yes, medication.
And there are things that we'll continue to investigate.
However, there are so many others who've not had the aesthetic benefit...
of plastic surgery as you have.
This isn't about vanity, Dr. Pomeranz.
This isn't about vanity.
This is about functioning in the world.
It's my job to be out there functioning.
I've got the money. I'll pay any amount.
Just invent something.
Just play jazz.
You say you're the best face man in New York.
Fucking prove it.
- We could do something about your arm. - Fuck my arm!
Nobody here takes your feelings for granted.
We did prepare something for you based on the preliminary examination.
Tell me. Bring it on.
It's sometimes useful in the early stages of rejection.
It's a facial prosthetic. It was two weeks in the making.
- Thank you, Carly. - You're welcome, Doctor.
A facial prosthetic.
The aesthetic replacement does work...
emotionally and actually.
The plastic in the aesthetic shield also blocks out abusive rays...
and assists in the regeneration of cells.
So it's an aesthetic regenerative shield.
That's correct. Exactly.
The ergonomics of the plate barrier allows it to interact reflexively...
with the movements of your own face.
I see.
- It's a helpful unit. - Good.
Because for a minute there, I thought we were talking...
about a fucking mask!
It's only a mask...
if you treat it that way.
It's great. This completely takes care of Halloween.
But what about the other 364 days of the year?
A new form of me began to take shape.
I planned my reemergence...
like the Normandy invasion.
Sofia. Sofia.
Sofia Serrano.
I'll just say it.
I did my homework.
I read every memo.
Thomas Tipp was right.
People will read again.
I attended the monthly board meeting with the Seven Dwarfs by video hookup.
Because people aren't buying books.
- Let's invest. - Oh, baby, this was war.
I grew stronger in ways I'd never known before.
And on December 5...
my planes filled the sky.
The return of David Aames, Jr...
Citizen Dildo.
You won't believe this...
but this is me smiling.
It's been a long time.
I tried to see you, but your people wouldn't let me.
I didn't want to see me, okay?
But then...
I woke up today and finally...
a good hair day.
You wanna get together?
Sure.
- What? - Let's go out and do something.
This weekend.
I'll cancel an operation or two.
We'll have fun...
because I am all about fun.
Okay, folks, our first guest tonight is an amazing survival story.
Please welcome Benny the dog.
So welcome to the show. Thank you very much for being here.
- You bet. My pleasure. - I have so many questions.
To start off, tell us all what has happened to Benny.
What's Benny been through?
Well, Benny fell into the water near our home.
And he was frozen in the Skykomish River.
In Washington.
I went fishing, thinking he'd been gone now for three months.
And I see him in a block of ice.
He is thawed out now. Is that correct?
He's not moving a lot. I'm worried.
Should I get out some tongs? I'm worried about the dog.
No, he's fine. He's just lost a little bit of his friskiness.
I would think so, yeah.
It's David. I'm back in your life.
I saw you earlier today.
I was just watching our old friend Benny the dog...
on Conan...
and I thought of you.
Whatever.
I loved seeing you today.
So I will see you soon.
You're a great dancer.
Bye.
- What you drinkin'? - Nothing.
I'm in the mood for a cheap, sugary, overpriced rum and Coke.
- So you want one? - Is there any other kind?
I'll get us some.
Where is the bathroom?
It's behind... over there by the place...
by the girl who looks like Bjork.
- I'll be right back. - Maybe I should...
Hey, man, you look good. How's your book?
- Take it off. - No, this is a facial shield.
It's an aesthetic prosthesis these fucking doctors...
Take off the mask, man. It's freaking me out.
I can't.
It's my face. This is my face.
Trust me. It's a little different.
If you're embarrassed, just go. Nobody asked you to chaperone.
- Sofia asked me. - What?
She didn't want to be alone with me? That's bullshit!
Because I think I'm being pretty fucking cool about this whole thing.
Talk to a shrink.
Or you can call me sometime instead of hiding in your apartment.
Don't take it out on a girl you only met once.
Did she say that...
once?
Did she say that I met her once?
Just cut it out, okay?
I miss the old you.
We all miss the old you...
because the new guy is shit.
That came out wrong. I love you.
Period.
- How's your arm, man? - Fuck you, Brian.
How 'bout...
no sympathy.
How 'bout that's the deal we make, okay?
Give me a Budweiser and a shot of tequila.
What kind of tequila?
- What did you say to me? - I said, what kind of tequila?
Why don't you ask me to my face, bitch?
Patrón, if you have it.